Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Lesbian pimping

So, I went to a party on Saturday. At the party I met some interesting people. Two of them were incredibly odd and make for a very funny story I want to share with you all. (it's also a great break from this heavy public policy) Person A was a very desperate man. He was a 30 year old guy with a ponytail, and had his arm around me. This made me uncomfortable. I was with a group of people, and we sat around a table discussing the sort of person that was our ideal mates. I said the following: "I want a smart, interesting, funny, warm, charismatic, and just plain kind person who I feel the most incredible kinship with." Person A replied (with his arm around me, and quite seriously): "I just want to fuck anything that moves." In response, revolted, I shrinked away from him, horrified, and the guy sitting on the other side of me wondered if this meant that he wanted to have sex with cockroaches. Person B was a soft spoken lesbian. She desperately was hitting on me, and my friend. Sadly, we both are not lesbians. I didn't think much of her, except that she was kind of awkward, until tonight. She left a message on my phone that was a mumbled mess about wanting to "hang out with me," and then ending with "Yeah Red Tulips, it's my birthday on Friday. I was wondering if you could get me a date for my birthday." Um...I just met this girl! What does she think I am! A lesbian pimp or something? I mean, does she think I somehow have access to so many lesbian friends I could just call one up and say "There's a this girl I barely know who is desperate. Want to have sex with her?" Does she think I am the Heidi Fleiss for lesbians? What's up with this? Is there something in the water in NYC? How do I meet such creepy people?

16 comments:

Steven said...

So, are you are saying that you don't have access to hoard of girls that will respond at your whim?

Well, I don't know what to think now. Why have you been leading me on Red?!

Red Tulips said...

Steven,

Not just a hoard of girls. A hoard of LESBIAN girls, no less. ;-)

And yes, I have been leading you on. I am not a lesbian pimp. My cover is blown. I am so sorry, because I know you were expecting (and hoping and praying) otherwise. I hate to disappoint you, dammit!

Steven said...

May I say that this:

"I want a smart, interesting, funny, warm, charismatic, and just plain kind person who I feel the most incredible kinship with."

is a beautiful answer. And this...

"I just want to fuck anything that moves. In response, revolted, I shrinked away from him, horrified, and the guy sitting on the other side of me wondered if this meant that he wanted to have sex with cockroaches."

is hilarious! LMAO

The girl sounds cute though. I know an R who would go out with her and be equaelly nervous!... well she has probably changed since I have spoken to her.

Stev-en said...

BTW, I am now in a different browser but the font still looks ok from here. I am not sure what could be wrong. Maybe it will fix itself in time.

Steven said...

Oh wait, you are right! It has all gone red/pink!

I think it is my Oz-post. I will fix it. :)

Red Tulips said...

Steven,

Yes, I was laughing pretty hard over the idiot's response to me. I was both laughing and horrified at the same time. ;-)

The girl who wants a stranger to get her a birthday date was strange, not cute. Trust me, not someone you want for your friend R! :-p

Anonymous said...

"I just want to fuck anything that moves."

And you rejected this Romeo? How could you?

Red Tulips said...

Shlemazl:

I know, it is quite perplexing. I guess I must be insane in the membrane!

Jason said...

You think thats creepy?

Wow, you would get eaten alive in the who tampa goth/industrial scene.

Red Tulips said...

Jason,

Well, now I need to know stories.

SPILL THEM!

uk_correspondent said...

I don't want to see any lesbian bashing around here. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with lesbians. Provided there is a guy there to watch that is.

Red Tulips said...

UK Correspondent:

I am not bashing lesbians in general...just one lesbian in particular!

Thomas Forsyth said...

Too bad you aren't a lesbian pimp. Howard Stern might give you a penthouse in Manhattan for all your referrals :) I also get a full brownstone (to rent out) for the idea while we're dreaming :)

Person A is a caricature and might as well be balding with the ponytail and dress thirty years out of fashion, becuase then he can be called Lesiure suit Larry and may get some sex for being a novelty, or pity sex.

As for who you meet, you may just be looking in all the wrong places. Luckily NYC is big so you may luck out.

Steven said...

Thomas:
"pity sex"

Ew! The very term makes my skin crawel.

-----

UK correspondent:
"I don't want to see any lesbian bashing around here. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with lesbians. Provided there is a guy there to watch that is."

Heya, I don't approve of lesbian bashing, period. Why is the presence of a man so significant to you?

Mr. Smarterthanyou said...

Your gut instinct was correct. There is something in the water in NYC. Big cities attract people like this. If you crowd rats in a cage, they turn crazy. Rats that choose to live in a cage are half crazy to start with, IMHO.

One reason why I chose the western rockies to live in.

Kevin said...

Mr. Smarterthanyou it'll be the brain washing properties of the fluoride in the water supply that the federal government hasn't told anyone about ;-)

Red failed in her attempt to drag me into a lap dancing club while in soho this year. Good job as well, we walked past Billie Piper of Doctor Who fame, a few minutes later.
Though i guess she wishes David Tennant was walking with Bille Piper as well.

As for the crazy people you meet red ? That's life, believe me i've met several insane/crazy/should be locked up people while waiting for appointments with Professor Geddes.
Though there were some people with roughly the same level sanity as me, just to balance things out ;-)